BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

Learning how to BE yourself in a marriage.

I gave up my dream to live in Canada to be by my husband's side, and save our marriage. I am sitting here today, as I knew I would that snowy afternoon I made the decision to come back to Haiti. I was sitting on the window nook of my cousin's apartment in Montreal, knowing that decision would make no difference in our relationship, in our marriage.

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Forgetting SELF or compromising who you are to make others feel better does not make THEM or YOURSELF happy; if it does it is but a fleeting moment and the deeper JOYs you yearn for remains unfulfilled because you keep looking at the surface of things. In my marriage right NOW, it makes no difference if I am in Haiti or not. My husband is fulfilling his dreams or "duties" as he calls it, irreverent of where I am. I ACCEPT it because it fulfills him to find PASSION and purpose in what he does. It feels fulfilling to me too to see him rise to his potential and go on a journey to find his MEANING in LIFE. In the meantime, however, I am watching myself sacrifice my dream, my BLISS in the assumption that it is what he expects of me and that it is the sacrifices I must make to keep us together. And I watch a little bit of me die at the THOUGHT of it all.

I worked to build a home for us, again with the ASSUMPTION, it would help us build a partnership, strengthen our relationship and solidify our core values together. Assumptions, assumptions; "always assuming" as my husband says. LIFE is teaching me, NO-THING is how I assume it to be, nor can I project my INTENTIONS unto others, however LOFTY they may be. I just have to TRUST in the universe, the universal order of things. For my true INTENTIONS to come to life, I have to stay TRUE to who I AM. Pursue my DREAMS. If someone truly LOVES me, they will embrace them too and encourage me. Trust in my relationship, if we are meant to BE together, we will be together embracing our true SELVES as we are, and encourage each other to REVEAL our truth to the world with COURAGE.

I always FEAR my husband will not understand me. I fear we got ourselves so far deep in a relationship that will not work out. We barely COMMUNICATE with one another. I watch my EGO flare up when I am around his family's pain-bodies, his insecurities and ego. I feel our original plan to play roles, as husband and wife, is no longer suitable and even unbearable to me. I have watched myself attempt to tame the whispers of my SOUL to "make it work," but my soul is not having it. My time has come to WAKE up.

I don't know what will come of it. Will my husband still be by my side when I do WAKE up? Will I still be married? Will I hurt our families? Our friends? Who will still be by my side through this AWAKENING? Will I look back at this and understand why it happened? Will I be FREE? Will I find JOY? Will I continue to LOVE?

The journey continues. The journey begins.

With love,

IA